Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sure, Yeah, I Own This Body...Don't I?

Big City Lover is in town. He has fetched up about 90 minutes distant, in for a week while Husband is gone (pure coincidence). He would like me to come and see him.

If I see him, we will probably fuck.

I we fuck, I will have to tell him I am a whore. BCL and I generally have condom-less sex, he knows I have another lover with whom I also have condom-less sex (they have met, warily) and occasional lovers with whom I have covered-sex and I have promised to tell BCL if that situation ever changes. You see, BCL has a child. So it is not just his own well-being at stake, but also that of a charming young lady only recently un-grounded for her forbidden forays into Myspace.

I don't want to fuck. I especially don't want to drive 90 minutes in sleet, arrive after dinner-time having bolted something in the car, show up at his hotel room, and fuck. Or worse yet, have a scene about me being a whore, supportive or otherwise.

I agonize about this. He is in town all week, I do want to see him but I don't want to fuck him - he unintentionally burned me rather badly regarding a place to stay the last time I was in Big City. And I'm sort of 'off' him, having burned him right back by not turning up the next arranged time to see him. And I don't want to do it without at least dinner and chat. And, and, and.

What is the problem here? Why do I not feel I have the right to say, "by the way, I'm happy to spend time with you but I'm not up for sex tonight/this week/ever"? Why do I feel - as I have felt my whole life - that if you show up, you fuck? Why do I feel like I am being a Bad Sport if I don't want to put out? That I have some how assumed the obligation to provide Premium Access to any man who provides me with more than one dinner, access that cannot be revoked for Any Damn Reason I Want?

During high school, I had more Good Sport Sex than sex I wanted to have. And half the sex I wanted to have was really just I'd Like To Be Held Sex. But now I'm an adult. I've learned how to come, pretty much on my own demand, I have negotiated with myself and my husband and my lover to get to the relationships I feel comfortable with, I have gone down some amazing pathways (more next week! stay tuned!) to the sex that blows my mind and makes me feel adored, worshipped, blessed. In my 'real' life, I'm known as a shark negotiator you don't want to mess with, a girl whose Super Power is "No-One Says No." I've even set up a little business providing Premium Access.

So I summon up all my will and courage, call BCL, tell him I've been in a minor car accident and reschedule for tomorrow.

I am woman, hear me roar.


Tom Paine said...

Hilarious ending. There's a book in here somewhere if Pussy Ranch's author can get published. You write well, but yes, it IS hard to say no for some reason. C. has a woman who wants very much to fuck her, while C. wants to be friends. She admitted to me that if they hang out, they're probably going to fuck, even though she isn't attracted to the woman.

It took her a week to screw up her courage and tell her "I like you, but I only want to hang out right now."

Mandy said...

I'm there right now...

daphnis said...

that is a weird and irritating thing, that constant feeling of obligation. but at the same time, recognise that not everyone's the right company for any occasion. not all your friends are going to understand, say, a passion for ceramics or dune - and not all lovers are good for shoulder-leaning. sad but true.

Anonymous said...

All I gotta say (1 male point of view only) is that I would rather hear an honest no (not an excuse) than a dishonest yes. Refer to my post called Sex and What I Want and you'll see what I mean. Sex with someone who isn't into it and enjoying herself just isn't as satisfying as sex with someone who is totally into it. So I say anytime you don't feel that desire and want to say no, I support you through this blog world.