Friday, May 25, 2007

Signals


My mother’s mother said to her and then she said to me:

Never call a boy, let him call you.

What I received: Boys are never friends. The only reason to talk to a boy is if you’re going to play the game. The only reason to call one is to tell him you’re available

Sexual Athlete calls and calls and texts and texts. I finally send him an email to tide him over, tell him I’m not generally seeing people but have a new way of doing things. The grasping fingers in me want his money, his legal advice, and very little else. Nothing else. Especially not his grasping fingers in me.

I finally call him. How’s his life, how’s his business, he just got out of a meeting and has a charming little anecdote about Navy aircraft carrier landings and the signs and gestures involved, including a slang gesture for “get your head out of your –“. Sexual Athlete uses this sign in meetings to indicate his displeasure with the speaker. Bet working with him’s as fun as fucking him for money. I’m sure the checks clear. I tell him about having seen a gentleman in another city, and how much more fun it was to spend real time, human time instead of rental time. Sadly, he’s interested. Guess it’s a better deal than I thought. I tell him I’ll send him financial information and quickly formulate a plan of delaying that as long as possible, ‘cause you know, it’s my body, I can’t stand fucking him, hate his rough hands, his spit that gradually smells worse and worse, his bad oral, and so the logical conclusion is to (as a liberated woman) take ownership of my body and deny him access by...stalling.

While I follow this train of thought through the murky Tunnel of Indecision, Sexual Athlete is critiquing my blowjob skills, he prefers less hand action and more mouth. I imagine giving him the Navy sign for “Well, tell me at the time, dumbass, you’re paying” Or better yet, the sign for “Secretly, I’m not interested at all, can we wind this up?” I tell him flat out, partly as revenge, but still nicely enough that I’m sure it doesn’t penetrate, that I don’t come from oral and I won’t be faking it. Now he’s babbling on about ice cubes again – I jumped back and said no in person, I answered his email question with no, too cold, and now he’s suggesting putting them on my nipples instead. Not a listener, our Sexual Athlete.

Why, LFM? Why do we keep going when it so clearly sucks, why do we give them another chance, another ten minutes, hoping it will get better or feeling obligated to see it through? He’s not attractive to me, though as far as clients go, he’s Brad Pitt on a bad day (some baby spit-up and a hopefully growing realization that he’s not having quite the same experience as his partner, but still hot) compared to the usual rank of pasty guys in pants with a partially-elastic waist. He’s not good in bed, he makes me sore, I don’t like his attitude or the way he sheds bodily hair, I feel like a service provider.

My mother’s mother said to her and then she said to me:

Always go out with a boy at least once if he asks you, he might have a nice friend.

What I received: don’t say no.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just say no. The other day when you wrote that you hoped Anonymous Girl wouldn't become competition I wondered if there were really that few clients available. Maybe I'm giving people with Y chromosomes too much credit but it seems there should be plently of good clients who would want to see the real you. Maybe I'm not in business because I'm too willing to tell people to go to hell, though.

Steve

la fille mariée said...

Damn it, Mandy, sometimes what you write just smacks me in the face.

"My mother’s mother said to her and then she said to me:
Always go out with a boy at least once if he asks you, he might have a nice friend.
What I received: don’t say no."

I must go somewhere and think for a while.

The Man With Secrets said...

I run a small, one person business, just like you do. Well, not exactly like you do, mine's very dull in comparison. But one of the things I've learnt is that success depends not just on getting the right clients, but on not keeping the wrong clients. Sometimes, a client is too much trouble, and "releasing them back into the wild" not only frees your time, but hopefully makes life difficult for whichever of your competitors they move on to.

There may well be only so many clients available. But, there are also so many hours in the day. Make the best use of them. Ditch the losers.

Tom Paine said...

First of all, the Navy has a sign or expression for everything. One of my favorites is "three hole qualified."

Second, MWS is right: there are times when there's almost no amount of money to justify the misery of being in their employ. Had this recently with a company who said "you have the account," but had to clear it with Mr. Big. Big clearly had other ideas, so suddenly it was "we have the re-think this." My reaction? Aside from fury at being fucked with that way, was relief: they think they're hot in a clingy jersey dress, can lie there are make heavy breathing sounds while mentally counting my money, and can get any man they want.

Me on the other hand, I'm thinking "moxie is good, but it doesn't measure up to a great pair of legs or tits."

The danger, of course, is jadedness. I worry about you, Girl, worry you're burning up that candle and are going to be in need of a lamp someday. Sometimes it's better to take less money in life and keep more of your soul.

Al Laddin said...

What Tom said, Mandy.

Anonymous said...

this whore thing is really a process of recreating yourself, my dear mandy muse. this whole process is a deliberate redesign. you are rethinking everything, keeping the bits you like, disposing of those you don't. your mother's mother's words have been rendered superfluous by the modern era, by YOUR modern era, and to hold on to them, to make decisions based upon them, god forbid to pass them on- defeats the purpose of your mission. "buh-bye, irritating man. you no longer fulfill my vision of myself. buh-bye!"

bg

A. Reader, Esq. said...

"Signals"? Seems an inapt name.


In this episode, it's clearly a case of "well, the money is sexy".

People know they're grown up when they realize Mom / Dad aren't always correct (in fact, sometimes flatout wrong), and there are other kinds of music besides rock 'n' roll. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to get rid of parents' influences.

Welcome. You're an adult and can make your own decisions now.


A. Reader, Esq.

Gillette said...

The GREAT keepers didn't show up until I started saying no to anything that didn't meet my full expectations.

Delete, Delete, Delete, goodbye, no I won't reconsider.

Just say NO to energy suckers, those who don't make you smile, who ask for more than you want to give, who aren't what you want for ANY reason (cologne). If you're busy with them, allow them to suck you dry, you don't have time or energy to concentrate on finding the ones that will be good for you.

It's time to thank Mom and Grandma for trying, but well...did they suggest whoring as a line of work for you? You didn't listen to them for that, why listen in this?

I bet things will get dicey when you start to get really clear within yourself and establish boundaries. You obviously have what it takes to do this well. You just need to find the best way for it to work FOR YOU, as well as working for the men you are so good at being with.

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The Silent Male said...

Hi Mandy
I know no one has said anything about it yet. But sometimes men are guilty of giving too many chances also. Try to imagine a guy thinking, I know she is treating me like shit, but she has such a great ass. Or I hate that she gets so emotional, but I'm sure she'll make it up later...
Well, I could go on, but then I risk babbling. I just wanted to say that even as a male, I understand giving chances again and again.
If there was one thing I had to say. Whatever you choose should feel worth it to you before you take action, and before you do it again, it should feel worth it that you did it the first time. Either because the money was good enough, or the sex, or both (or any reason that applies). Whichever or all that you need.

Z said...

You waited for him to call. You went out with him once. You owe him nothing, and you never did.

Juno Henry said...

Mandy, my sweet, I think our mothers were hatched from the same mould.

And for what it's worth -- I'm with anonymous, and Secret Man. Lose the loser. Ditch the dipstick. Free the fuckwit. He is not worth your time, your skill, or your efforts... and he sure as shit ain't worth the moolah.

Feel free to email me any time you want to scream in frustration. JunoHenry at gmail.

Love,
Juno x

Mandy said...

Steve - I realized later that my comment to AG wasn't phrased the way I meant it - I hope she doesn't become artistic competition, there's bazillions of clients to go 'round in sex work! Far too many, even.

LFM - I think we (women) all get this training to be nice, to be polite instead of to protect ourselves. Scary threats get exaggerated while real threats are unacknowledged - we're busy fearing rape by strangers in relatively safe cities instead of saying "no" to sex we don't want and feeling like "I don't want to" is reason enough.

MWS - thank you, that is excellent advice - for my other life as well as for whoring.

Tom & Al - there's a constant battle for me in weighing time-consuming but satisfying work over fast and expensive. I do well in my other job, but not as fast. The time condenser is this - is it worth working for two hours (or overnight) to collect as big a payment as I would in a much longer(but nicer) day?

Gentle Readers - thank you :) It's hard to remember that with men, as in anything, there is, and will be, enough. That if I turn down this one, more will come.

And for the record, after bouncing my dilemma off of Lover, I am - not exactly forbidden - but strongly encouraged not to see SA. Which may be what I need to keep my backbone up.

Sulpicia said...

Lose him. I realy can't see any reason to feel that bad and... continue. He sounds like he makes your skin crawl. Don't do it! I tell my daughter sometimes, when she can't say no to a friend, feel free to use me on this one. Your mother says NO. (Not all the time, though!)Sounds like you may have that out, from Lover. But seriously, please, however hard the backbone screams under the pressure... if "no" is what you feel, "no" is the right answer for you. Well, that was my overly strong opinion. Sheesh... I apologize, especially that you don't know me, for being so aggresive.

Anonymous said...

My mother taught my sister to say no. It has worked out well for her. I often wish the women I knew learned the same. . . instead of that hesitant yes, the vacant look, avoidance and silence. I'd rather get a 'no' and move on, than cling to the fading hope of a 'yes.' By saying no, you may very well free him to find someone else.