Thursday, May 17, 2007

10 Things About a Woman (Whether or Not She’s a Whore)

1) If she offers you a shower, it’s not a suggestion or a request. Many service providers have this on their website as a gently-worded section of the “What will our time be like?” page. Maybe you already are squeaky-clean…but she hates your cologne.

2) If your hands are empty, hers should not be full. This goes for when she’s got packages and is passing through doors as well as when her hands are full of cock. Put your fingers in her hair, your palm on her back, do something with them in return. Unless you’re acting out The Sultan and the Nubian Slave, in which case you’re paying extra not to carry her packages, so to speak.

3) If you’re not wearing a condom, she’s ovulating and HIV+. Don’t put your naked penis in a woman unless and until you like each other enough to hold hands in the waiting room.

4) Listening is not waiting for your turn to talk. If you have no clue what she’s babbling on about now, repeat her last sentence in a questioning tone. She’ll explain further. If you’re paying, you can say, “let’s not talk.” If you’re not paying – in cash or with commitment – try not to date her again if you can’t stand listening to her.

5) As discussed in my treatise on the one client who understood this, don’t ask her during sex, “What do you like?” The answer is either complicated or embarrassing – we want to pretend you automatically know, and if you’re paying us, we may not want what we normally like – we want what gets you off. Do something and ask “Do you like that?” If it’s personal, go for the play-by-play afterwards in the orgasm haze...

6) Don’t ask her where she keeps her money. Don’t ask what she spends it on. She may be saving up to be independent of you. Be a gentleman and wish her well.

7) No matter how tough she is, some days she needs to lean on you.

8) Apologize when you are not wrong. It costs you nothing and she may apologize back. At the very least, it defuses the situation.

9) Stroking her ego is part of foreplay. Telling her she’s hot makes her feel hot. Be as specific as you can.

10) Gentle Reader, your suggestion for number 10...?

(Note bedsheet marks.)


Z said...

10) Pay attention. To her mood; to how she's reacting, both physically and intellectually.

Anonymous said...

10. Always say 'thank you' when she leaves. Again, costs noting and leaves a positive impression on her (and the agency if she uses one)

Anonymous said...

10. Remember she's a woman and a person and deserves to be treated as one (even if she is a whore)

G said...

10. Just because it worked yesterday doesn't mean it works today. A woman's buttons, levers and pullys can change dependent on her state of mind and body that day.
P.S. Me likie list, Mandy. You're my Rock Star.

la fille mariée said...

10. Sometimes a touch, on the cheek, on the hair, on the ass, really is worth more than any words you can say to try to make it better.

Al Sensu said...

Whoring is a sacred vocation. A good client will recognize this and express his gratitude along with the envelope.

Bob said...

Well, number 10 could be, "Can I get fries with that?" All kidding aside, a better comment would be, "That was terrific! May I see you again?"

A. Reader, Esq. said...

Ah so you would like to know my Number 10?

Ok. Come closer. Closer. Put your ear to the screen and I shall whisper it in your ear.



10) Please get me something to drink and a piece of cake. And if you're nice, I'll share with you.

A. Reader, Esq.

Tom Paine said...

That is one honey of an ass....

But then, you know that.

I'm beginning to wonder if playing the guitar would ever be enough???

Mandy said...

I love these comments! Peter and Al, you remind me of my favorite Perry Mason quote - "Money without words is crass, words without money are cheap."

Ladies, I love your insight - we all so want just to matter.

Tom, it's not just the guitar, but what you play and when. Know any fado?