Cooking with Mandy – Take Me Truffles

You need:

Nina Simone: Remixed and Reimagined
Bag of Ghirardelli semi-sweet or bittersweet chocolate chips
Heavy whipping cream
Cinnamon
Cayenne pepper
Patron Tequila
Cocoa powder
Fork
Soup spoon
Medium-sized glass/ceramic/china bowl (glass holds heat in a way you need)
Small bowl of any material
Microwave
Aluminum foil
Plate or tupperware

Put on Nina Simone and wash your hands.

Pour the chocolate chips into the glass bowl and microwave for a minute and thirty seconds or until the chocolate chips are gooey. Just like anal, it’s better to start slow and end up going longer than you planned than to burn your chocolate and have to start over with unpleasant memories.

Stir the chocolate with the fork, adding a pinch of cayenne and a pinch of cinnamon. I advise shaking them gently out of the package rather than using your fingers, because you will later forget and touch your eyes and tragedy will ensue. Special Tip: Cayenne and cinnamon in the Hispanic foods aisle cost about half what they do in the baking and spices aisle.

Add a shot of tequila. (Don't get into the tequila yet or you won't be able to taste the truffles.)

Stir some more and taste. Keep adding cinnamon and cayenne until you like how it tastes and you think “well, it could be a little spicier.” It will get spicier later. Lick the fork clean.

Stir in two big spoonfuls of cold whipping cream. The chocolate may start to become pasty right away. If it does, add a little more liquid, either cream or tequila. If it doesn’t, put it in the fridge. Either way, leave it sit (fridge or counter) for as long as it takes you to gratify your partner while kneeling on the kitchen floor (or masturbate to completion). No fair pretending and watching TV instead. If you are quick, you might need to go twice.

Wash your hands again and put a sheet of aluminum foil on the counter.

Pour a few spoonfuls of cocoa powder into the other bowl, add a tiny pinch each of cayenne and cinnamon and stir with the fork. This cayenne is going to make first contact with your tongue when eating the truffles, so be sparing.

Use the spoon to dig out walnut-size chunks of chocolate paste and mold them into balls with your fingers – work quickly and discover why the M&M candy shell is such a big deal. Roll each ball in the cocoa powder and set it on the foil, spaced apart. If you run out of cocoa powder, make more.

Let truffles sit while you have a second round (cook's choice), unless you live in a hot climate with no A/C (skip to next step). I recommend bent over the sink or sitting on the counter, depending on counter height. When you're done, if the truffles are still moist, roll them in cocoa powder one more time.

Feed yourself and your lover a truffle or two, then tuck the rest away on a foil-covered plate or in tupperware while you head to the bedroom for round three.

I’m not sure whether “Bon Appetit” or “Bottoms Up” is more appropriate. Consider them both said.