Friday, March 2, 2007

When is a Whore Not a Whore?


A new “client” (you’ll get the quotes in a minute) wants to see me. Wants, in fact, to phone me, email me, get to know me, fly me to his city, wine me and dine me (or rather, participate in my equivalent of museums, gardens, and interesting used book shops), presumably nail me, and, most importantly to him, be my friend. And have me be his.

The price is right, it’s a city I like, and he’s a nice fellow. But, he’s been very specific – he doesn’t want it to be an escort-client relationship. Not just that he doesn’t want it to *feel* that way – he doesn’t want it to *be* that way. Ay, there’s the rub.

To whore or not to whore, that is the question?
Whether tis nobler in the heart to suffer
The truth and actions of a real relationship
Or to take cash against a sea of trouble
And by accepting, play him
False.

See, that’s it – it would be…tacky…to accept that level of hospitality and not put out. Our Victorian ancestors had their reasons for dictating that ladies not accept gifts other than flowers, books and chocolates from their admirers. Even a pair of gloves was a daring attempt to compromise her virtue and pretend an intimacy that should not exist. But if he wants to know me for real, well, the real me doesn’t usually fuck on the first date. Anymore.

There’s potential for a muse-type relationship. He’s working on an artistic project and I’ve given the wee-est bit of feedback. There’s potential for friendship – I find him reasonably engaging, we have common interests. And clearly, he’s willing to step up to the plate to fund my trip to see him, as I would expect from most men who want to fuck me.

But no matter what he actually wants, the wall between us is that having taken his cash, I will feel accountable for sex. I think – I know - he would genuinely welcome my usual smart-ass, non-suck-up self. But I don’t know if that girl’s going to be into him enough to do some actual sucking upward. And if that’s the case, I’ll feel guilty as hell.

Ostensibly, the money one gives a “service provider” is not for sex. It’s for time. Sometimes “time and companionship.” And we all accept the fiction, knowing that at two or three hundred dollars an hour, the companionship’s likely to be pretty…companionable. But this time around, that’s most of what he’s actually paying for.

Is my friendship buyable?

Is it appropriate, should a true friendship develop in the time between now and when I see him, to accept a cash gift that large from a new friend?

How the heck did those French mistresses with the paid-for apartments, fur coats, diamond necklaces and monthly allowances do it? I suspect it would be a lot easier if I could figure out what the modern equivalent of my milliner’s bill is and just send him that…

10 comments:

Pete from Cal said...

Been read your blog for about a week and find it very interesting! Thank you for blogging.

In regards to your new admiring "friend", sure he wants to be more than friends and have an actual relationship, but maybe that's just part of his fantasy? Not that different than a secretary or a maid fantasy, is it? Is it wrong to accept his 'gifts' and give him his friendship, be it real or not? I don't think so. May be in time he would gain your true friendship or may be not. But who knows. :) Thanks!

Cain said...

Ahh, sweetie. You cannot put a price upon friendship, or love.

It is a given, and a choice, and cause for all who strive

...for Love.

Yes, I'd bring the price..to priceless, and hold whatever comes, with joy.

xx,Cain.

Logic, logic, logic. said...

I think the difference lies in your ability to choose. If you don't have the ability to determine what happens between you because of guilt or any other reason it will always *be* that way.

Then again, people in "real" relationships often use guilt to get their partners to put out.

Is it possible this man with resources doesn't know whow to meet girls and is trying to buy his way over that first hurdle? I could empathize. Why doesn't he spoil an amateur?

Beau Geste said...

Everyone should be able to "fall in love" for an hour, or two, or three. ;)

Beau Geste said...

I forget what that famous line from PT Barnum was.

Tom Paine said...

There's an old saw about never lending money to a friend unless you don't care if you ever get it back. It's why I would not pay for sex: not because I am against it, or because I don't think it could be hot to buy the services of a beautiful, sexually-talented woman.

No, it's because I'm at a point in my life where I want GENUINE experiences with women who are GENUNINELY interested in me. Fortunately there are enough of them out there that I don't NEED to purchase intimacy.

It reminds me of the old joke about the stock broker who meets a doctor at a party. "Dr. would you mind taking a look at this bump on my arm?"

"Only if you'll take a look at my investment portfolio," the doctor replies.

You're right to keep your whoring Mandy separate from your personal Mandy. I just told a friend of mine off-line "There's Tom Paine who writes a blog and me who knows you. Don't confuse the two of them."

Greenwoman said...

Regardless of the rules or laws about sex and money...here's a question for you...

If your massage therapist or your doctor or your art teacher became a dear friend with you, would you be asking yourself these same questions? Would you still pay them for a massage or for a class or a visit...? Even if your friendship became more than platonic?

If you would...then what's the problem?
If you wouldn't...then I think you answered your own question.

Anastasia said...

I found this post interesting, considering I recently posted about the 'whore' aspect, how many women have the often exagerrated luxurious alternative of escorting thrown at them as a career via the media.

You said it. You're a service provider; friendship isn't based on a cash per hour basis. If the shoe was on the other foot, and you were to pay someone, would you classify that as genuine companionship?

I don't know what a whore is...but I'd say that a whore is a person who cannot accept the reality of their situation, and latches onto many reasons to justify a business transaction. There's nothing wrong with accepting something as a business transaction, but to try and make it out to be something it's not, when it's clearly about the money, is hypocritical. Is it so bad for an escort to openly say, 'yes I do it for the money?' or is that considered bad customer service or PR. Men are aware of it, even though they seldom admit it, they know that they're getting what they're paying for.

dexplorer said...

What’s most fascinating of all about your blog to me is that you ASK yourselves these kinds of questions – all the time. And with such clear and wonderful language and thinking. Sure the erotic passages are hot. But that’s not so rare in female sex blogs – though your quality and economy of expression is. But it’s your retelling of all you’re juggling and the ways you’re doing it, and working that out, and these questions you ask that are really what’s so fascinating to me.

It's also because I've come to trust your voice. Which I don't so often so much do on these further perimeters of sexual lifestyle. So many are pushing a lifestyle agenda, or seem going for near total control. You don’t just accept pat rules of thumb, whether they be "call girl rules" or "polyamory rules" or, for the most part, "open marriage rules". You push around the edges. And then try stuff out. And then re-evaluate. And prepare to try some more. Like your degrees of enjoyment and intimacy with Circus Man, and it’s good and bad aspects so far. (I’m eagerly awaiting developments there as on many fronts. Actually I’d also really like to know a lot more about your relationship with your husband and your sex life with your husband. I rather gather that that’s actually been getting better?)

Re this one specific query. Hmmm. I know, I know, it’s kinda silly for me to think/write out a tentative answer. Since I’m probably going to find out what you decided and did and at least the first stages of how it’s worked out not long after I write this down. But somehow I want to.

I’d think more about what follows on after the first weekend. Course if you don’t hit it off at all there won’t be a second get together in his city or some other. But that seems unlikely from what you’ve said about your interactions with him so far, and how many different sorts of people you can hit it off with. If you end up REALLY hitting it off and you want another lover in your life (you’ve got rather a lot, although not so often in frequency it seems lately), and he really wouldn’t see you this time or at all if he had to pay this time beyond the considerable trip expenses, then you’re better off trading gash for exploratory trip to a city you’d like to visit (well, gash as long as you at least kinda hit it off in the flesh).

But doesn’t the really, really click seem unlikely, esp. in light of how much else you’ve got on your plate? Doesn’t seem to be any big deep emptiness needing filling. Isn’t it going to inevitably mean seeing less of Lover or other lovers, at least if you keep husband reasonably happy? So aren’t you better off just saying “nope, gotta be cash too. My no pay lover window is closed at this stage in my life. Decision I made, rightly or wrongly. Gotta stick with it for now. Who knows at some point in the future, but that’s how it is now. But you seem really promising as a lover. I just need the money to be able to spend more time writing.” I’d especially go this route if you know the cost of pay plus plane and all expenses paid is no biggie at all for him.

Esp. if you want to really upgrade your paying stable of regulars to really fun dates only, except for occasional new recruits that dud, this is how you need to go. Maybe greatly relax your extended time policy with this guy in light of the fun trip and fun prospects -- though that’s risky if you only pretty much hit it off but he’d still be a great regular. You can’t very well raise your rates on him consistent with him being special. Though that still might be the way to go, all you’ve said considered.

Mandy said...

Fortunately, it all worked out very well.

It's not so much that the non-paying lover window is closed, it's that I don't have the time to make room for someone I'm not already seeing in another context and am also able to hook up with. Living in another city is unreachable because my life is so busy.

Regarding the rates thing - you know, I wouldn't have a problem raising my rates on a regular if I thought it was warranted. I'm generally worth whatever I charge, the more snob I, and I'm lucky not to be living on my whore money so that I can say, oh, that's too much? Sorry, it was nice seeing you...