Friday, November 2, 2007

Live Through This

And this is the flip side, the sitting at the computer knowing that hey, if you can just write some porn it will all be ok, the readers will stop deserting you for newer, fresher content and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that someone likes you, someone still wanks to you, but all you can do is try to make the solitaire game come out right, over and over again. Because the thing that stops me from being a really good whore is the truth, and the thing that stops me from writing you, Gentle Readers, some damn good porn, submit to Sugasm, make it all glossy and fun, is the truth.

And the truth is, I want to die.

Monday, I wake, weeping. Husband cradles me, wants to know what’s wrong. And so I finally tell him – I broke up with someone. I worry that I’ll never be their friend again. And Husband, the strongest man I know, soothes me and holds me and tells me that it will all be ok, it’s just my pride. We go out together instead of alone, and spend time, spend money. It’s lovely. I decide, midway through Target, I Am Over It, which is what I text to Lover. Beautiful Girl reminds me in a long chat, don’t give up your power, don’t let him be your equal, this has been coming for a long time.

Tuesday, Lover texts me, Will It Make It Any Better to Know That Cute Girl and I Have Imploded? This makes me happy, of course. They have finished because she logged on to Facebook at 8:39, saw all the public flirting with Yet Another Girl, and finished him at 8:51.

Tuesday night, I unavoidably see Lover. I resolve to treat it as a first date, and I am not impressed. I’ve dressed, new shoes, new top, taken pains to look like Not From the Discard Pile. The way he speaks of women does not impress me. He is slightly unkempt, not on time, takes the last bite of asparagus. We are cordial. My allegiance shifts slightly, how dare he pick Cute Girl over Yet Another Girl because the plane ticket costs less? Do I want to even be friends with someone who plays the game this way? Our ability to be polite is hopeful.

Wednesday, Cute Girl learns through a complicated and high-school-reminiscent system of Facebook, Myspace, and LiveJournal comments that I have been her lover’s lover. She and I talk. I make it clear I’m not mad at her.

Thursday Lover calls me, wistful. We again discuss a week in winter in Foreign City. He reminds me of special times we’ve shared in the place he is now, texts me about songs on the radio that have to do with the Us That Was, laaaahh da da da daaaahhhh…

Friday, when I have been sick all week through all of this – truly, snottily, nastily sick, not just heart-sick – Lover rings again to see if I will mind his seriously dating Cute Girl.

Well, let’s see.

What he can do:

- Date my friend/co-worker without any social disapproval, since we have been secret and must remain so.

- Suck her in deep before she even knows she’s screwing me over.

- Continue to flirt with lots and lots of other girls in a way that I will have to be aware of, that will be unacceptable to Cute Girl, and that I can’t pass on to her because 1) I will look like a jealous bitch (which I am) and 2) she’s a big girl.

- Force me to continue being “friends” with him so there won’t be talk.

- Force me to continue working with her so there won’t be talk.

What I can do:

- Nothing.

And thank God for writing, thank God for words, thank God for the few, the brave Gentle Readers sticking it out through what by now looks like the cover of Hole’s first post-Cobain album, because as I write the urge to count out the number of NyQuils it would take onto the counter fades and in comes righteous anger. Thank you Cyndi Lauper, thank you Dresden Dolls, thank you PowerGirl and Beautiful Girl and Secret Scientist who are there and Computer Girl who would be there if I called. Thank you Husband, for telling me it’s not OK to bring this into our home, but loving me anyway while I can’t stop crying, can’t get out of bed. Thank you Lover’s Ex-Wife, because this is what your end was like and I was part of that. Thank you Be-My-Real-Friend, because Just Clients don’t listen to me whine like this. Thank you patient S and D from GC, thank you G, whose emails haven’t yet been answered, who send hugs, who trust anyway. Thank you words like bricks, building the wall, the shelter, put up the yellow triangle on the door because this relationship is now radioactive and while half my heart (ok, more than half) wants to take pity, let him in, it’s only until the world ends, there is no room, no room, I only have enough left for me and anger.


Anonymous said...

You will. Live Through This I mean.

Still reading you. Reliving my breakup. Wishing I had been able to share with husband what I was going through. 2am sobbing is hard to explain.

The realness of this is raw and awkward and terrific.

Numi said...

For what it's worth, here's another one who's still reading you. Heck, I'd still be reading you if your blog turned into a catalogue of wardrobe contents and shopping trips. I like your writing style, and I'm at turns impressed with and almost tearing up at your ability to put your heart on the page. Kick those black thoughts aside, please! Nobody's worth that. You're eloquent, intelligent, wild and I wish I knew more people with your style.

Anonymous said...

hah! echoing numi! sending you 3am adoration, groovy girl. you are my heart, my sweet. loveloveloving you! bg

Randysrandy said...

Every new post of yours is a gift, and all I can give back to you is to read them and - since I can't give you a hug (which would likely feel way to insuffiencient anyway no matter how genuine) - comment if I can think of something worthy of appearing on the same page as your words.

And so I just encourage you to keep riding the roller coaster, and to act as if indeed, you have the power to steer it - because you do.

Mandy said...

Anon - I am so fucking blessed that Husband is able to come with me on part of this journey. He impresses me more every day. I wish you had that - it helps a little. Not a lot, but a little. Thanks, and I hope this helps you with your catharsis, too.

Numi - thanks :) Ironically, I have a little shopping post planned! There has been a lot of retail therapy lately. I don't think I'd ever really actively kill myself, I have too much ego to leave the world without me! But lately I am very much understanding what people used to say about "he turned his face to the wall, refused to eat, and died." There have been some mornings I really want to turn to the wall. Thanks for letting me know that at least the way I'm using this pain in my writing is worthwhile.

BG - love back to you :) Your 'scope says cast off mechanical habits in love this week...

Randy - I'll consider myself virtually hugged :) It wouldn't be insufficient, but hugging is one of those things right now that makes me cry, no matter who! I'm glad you're enjoying reading, and it helps a lot to know that people are out there. It helps a lot.

I like the roller coaster analogy - must do something with that :)

Love to all,

Flowering Jasmine said...

Hi Mandy, i'm so sorry things are rubbish for you. I know it is not much help but i have done the crying in front of my husband because my heart was broken and not by him. I didn't want to be alive, i wanted to vanish.

But, i'm still here......and you will be OK, stronger for it even.

Autumn said...

I've been reading your blog for the last few months, and as a relatively young (and inexperienced) woman who's struggling to get in touch with her sexuality-- the many dimensions fascinate me, and I can't stop wondering-- reading your writings and others are helping me get through the feeling that my upbringing and that culture seem to impose, the feeling that something's wrong with me or that I should be scorned or misjudged for this; and your writing is beautiful. My heartstrings tug every other time. I always, always wish you all the best.


Mandy said...

Flowering Jasmine - thanks for sharing your experience. I have been crying a bit with Husband, and it actually helped that he got a bit angry with me about getting into this position to begin with!

Autumn - thank you very much. You aren't alone. You're not the only one - or even the only woman - who feels and thinks these things, and I'm glad that the writing is connecting for you...

seacoast couple said...

:( I am sorry!
I think this may coming again soon for my own Hotwife. Best to you and thanks for sharing!

Bill / seacoastcouple