Thursday, September 13, 2007

Breadcrumbs...

Into the city, towers, lights, trailers for a movie production, the pit that used to be the World Trade Center, and the convergence of the universe continues when the really nice guy who saw me struggling to park paid for the garage.

I leave these clues in case I do not return...yeah, melodrama. But as I head inward, it comes to me, how much should it be work and how much should be magic? Lover has been very, very good to me. Dinners and adoration. Shows and support. And now, we're both finding that it's effort to want the other. My bitchiness overwhelms my prettiness. His quirkiness threatens to subsume his power over me.

I've lost a pet - stay with me on this - and it's the only pure grief I've known. I've been lucky that no-one close to me has (knock wood) been taken away (yet). The decision to end my cat's life rather than watch him suffer was wrenching. Last week, Powergirl came home, put her suitcases in my living room, walked across the street, broke up, and returned fifteen minutes later. Quick, like a bandaid. In that way, she's tougher than I am, not knowing whether to fight and work and struggle, or to say, this is a side relationship. This is not meant to be fought for, it's meant to happen beautifully like the blooming of a flower, and then when it's done, it's done. We broke up once before, in the morning, on an island, and circumstances led us to be in each other's company for the entire day afterwards. It was that same wrenching grief.

This morning, before I left my other life, I recut all the stems of the roses in the dining room vase. So little effort for a few more days of pleasant loveliness.

9 comments:

Blissfully Wed said...

Thanks for sharing. Be well.

Z said...

"My bitchiness overwhelms my prettiness." Been there, done that - and it makes me hate myself. I wish you the strength to do the right thing for your own peace of mind, whatever that is x

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you lost a member of your family. I know it's especially hard when you have to choose to end their suffering.

Love,

Steve

dexplorer said...

So sorry about your pet trauma Mandy.

...

But, it's been what, 1.5 months since you've posted anything sexually substantial? And still the at least somewhat fleshed out story about you and hubby you promised remains zero?

Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan! But ...

Anonymous said...

As a RL acquaintance of Mandy's, she's mentioned to me that she regrets the time away from the blog. She's got several posts in the pipeline, but her other businesses are booming right now and taking up a lot of her time. She sees the blog as a very important creative outlet for her, but at the end of the day it's a luxury (especially since it isn't paying any bills as yet).

As far as the promise of fleshing out the story with her and Husband, I don't remember her making one. Please be patient, though, especially since right now she's putting in almost 20 hours a day elsewhere.

Mandy said...

Dex, glad you're still looking out for posts you like. And friend, thanks for explaining some of what's going on.

This is largely a sex blog - but that's not all I like to write about. Right now, what's most present in my life is dealing with various relationships. When I have some amazing sex, I'll write about it. Even sluts have dry spells.

And, as my friend mentioned, this is a busy time for me. I'm in my fourth city in four days and working at the most active and involving part of my job. So I've got a ton of notes, but very little time to shape them into something worth reading. I'd rather not post than post hastily-written or poorly-put-together work.

It's funny, I've actually been debating next year just putting up a "Gone Fishin'" sign for the busy season. I'm sure it's annoying for you to check back and not find content, and I'm sorry I can't fix that for you right away.

I am hoping to write soon, and if you'd like, you can stop checking and just drop me an email with your email - I'll let you know when something new goes up.

Anonymous said...

What's an RL acquaintance?

It's great to hear you are experiencing life intensely Mandy. Boring people don't have as many stories to tell.

This morning I'm thinking of your offer to write a customized post for $50. I wouldn't encourage you to write just for the money because I'm currently doing a job just for the money and it isn't fun. I wonder, though, how many of your readers have considered giving you financial support for your blog.

Sorry, I know this is a comment about other comments. Mea culpa.

Steve

Mandy said...

"Real Life."

Steve, right now, you're the only one :)

And now I have an idea for something to write - because I'm not in the other job I'm in for money, but I sure couldn't do it without the money!

Mandy said...

"Real Life."

Steve, right now, you're the only one :)

And now I have an idea for something to write - because I'm not in the other job I'm in for money, but I sure couldn't do it without the money!