…Here’s how I know I am not jaded beyond repair. Power Girl and I spend the night in a Ritz-Carlton, and the first fifteen minutes is just us squealing over the toiletries. “Oooh! Shower gel!” “Look, the blow dryer has it’s own little bag!” “The bathroom is huge! You take a shower and I’ll take a bath at the same time! ”…
…Driving in a new city, where things are a bit more aggressive. My friend says, “Remember, when you change lanes, your blinker is not asking permission, it’s signaling intent.” It works…
…At a get-reacquainted lunch with Be-My-Real-Friend, he indicates that he’d like to make an appointment, and to that end, would like to give me a deposit. I, still unsure if I still even want to be doing this whoring thing, ask if he wants to put the money on the prepaid Visa he got me. He whips out cash. I think, gee, you’re awfully certain, and then realize umm, Mandy? You are a sure thing. That’s what being a whore is…
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Bits and Pieces
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3 comments:
How does it feel? It seems the whoring thing was a choice, and yet this is not the first time I have sensed some reluctance, perhaps even resentment.
I am not being critical, merely curious. I'm not young enough, and I've never been pretty enough, to play the gigolo, but I feel confident I would have grabbed the chance in a heartbeat had it been within my grasp.
Is it a sign of just how lonely I am that I am envious of anyone who is a "sure thing?"
There is reluctance. I like the money, I like the two men I'm currently seeing as clients, but there is something about it that I don't enjoy. So it's hard. I'm debating stopping soon, but I'm planning a large new real-life project, and a cash reserve would be good to have. So it's a tough choice.
Envious of being a sure thing or of having one?
Envious of either? Both? I think both. I would envy anyone attractive enough (not merely physically, attractive in a sensual, visceral sense) that others would want me without feeling like I had to overcome their reluctance.
I think that's partly a reflection of my own self-deprecation, but it's also reflective of the fact that I have an air about me that some find intimidating, and many find aloof. I have a certain shyness. I am also wary of new acquaintances. Any way you slice it, nobody would ever look upon me as a "sure thing."
Envious of having one? Yes. It's been far too long since I've had really enthusiastic sex. Hell, it's been a long time since I've had sex with a second person in the room.
I don't know that I still remember how to work at seduction or romance. Lately, I've begun to wonder if I ever knew how.
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