Friday, June 13, 2008

(The End)

cartoon from Gaping Void

DTW, again and always. Upgraded, a thrill for me as well as for Power Girl. Thank God we’ll get some sleep, and the little china houses filled with liqueur the attendants bring around at the end of the flight…yes, they give you gifts in business class, thank you for flying KLM. I am as happy as I have ever been – the universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings, as Rob Brezny might say.

I walk to the fountain, the massive black oval in the center of the terminal, the leaping water momentarily still. It’s time.

And as I call up each unforwardable photo living in my phone, I think, yes, that was a good time. And then I hit delete.

Pumpkins lined up to be weighed at a fair.
Waterskiing drag queens.
The mermaid I painted, now painted over.
Bruises on my breasts.
The time I dyed my hair Lola red.
The girl in Las Vegas.
Mary Magdalene with her jar of ointment.
An erection in jeans.
A fortune: You Will Pass a Difficult Test.
His hand in my ass.


The fountains start their arcing paths, catching the light of the sun over my shoulder. I realize I have lost my screensaver, this is still my phone for one more month. I follow the edge of the oval, the water reflecting my knees as it slides over, hugging the berm of the pool, and I snap facing into the light, the blackness of the fountain, the clearness of the water, the sun coming through it all, everything clarified, everything clear.

This is what I will look at. Until I get the new phone. And then I’ll snap something else.

This is the end of the story.

It’s not clean – there are still some posts in rough editing, ideas scribbled on napkins and pieces of paper tablecloth, plot lines unfinished, things left unsaid, some of them important.

Here there is a whimper – in my other life, the life where people see my eyes and my smile and my body all in the same snapshot, there is a bang. One big enough to need a pre-emptive removal of this particular risk.

It’s the end of the movie.

Beautiful Girl is on a mountain in Taos. She sends texts when she gets reception. She is clearing her life of alcoholism, laziness, and inertia – only a little of the last is hers. Someday you will hear her voice. Maybe you have already.

Power Girl is standing beside me, finding her power and helping me regain mine. We’re off to cities in Europe, Asia, Canada, and the next big thing. The blond and the redhead holding hands? That’s us.

Secret Scientist is scientist-ing and music-ing, with Hairline Boy, who is happy there weren’t enough pills in the cabinet and has appointed himself a future helpline.

Zurich texts me: Flights have just doubled everywhere – don’t worry, Mandy will get her mail-order booty somehow.

Fucked-Up Guy was good on Friday, and I was fine with it being too late for me on Saturday, and I knew on Sunday it would be too late when I saw the shot in his hand. But I needed the time to pack, no harm no foul.

Be My Real Friend is my real friend. We’re working on girlfriend-with-presents status, and I need to tell him, the thing that makes me a whore is asking for it. If you choose it, it’s a present. Even if it's cash.

Folk Rocker is on the other side of the world. We’re both looking forward to a future meeting, unforced and uncompelled.

Big City Lover has come through as a friend in surprising ways. We’re cool.

I don’t know where Ex-Lover is or what he’s doing, and I’m OK with that. I am at times a little wistful, but my mourning is done. And I’m letting go of feeling obligated to be good to him. The only thing I miss is being a muse. But I suspect that when someone else needs me in that role, they will appear to me (or I to them) and there will be more long conversations, more writing, more listening, more…

Husband is still imperfect, still trying, still next to me when I am home and still lonely when I am gone. He’s made some local friends. He’s planning home improvement and a trip to see me this summer. He's manning up, as Beautiful Girl would say.

And Mandy? Mandy has a big dream on the verge of coming true. And not that lame self-realization, use-the-zen, feel-the-moment crap but in a concrete way. In a big way. The best thing I ever made up ‘til now may be about to place second. True story.

There will be a book. I hope you will buy it. Even (Anonymous) if only to enjoy schadenfreude.

And so, Gentle Readers, goodbye, goodnight, and good luck.

Thank you.


Osbasso said...

Wow. I think you're going to be missed more than you know! Good luck with all of it!

Devorah said...

S. and I have missed the Mandy that was shown once again in this post; the Mandy that was inspiring and so sure of her own voice that she was able to share it with a bunch of intrigued college students one Fall day.

I hope that life continues to move in a brighter direction for you.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mandy.

I can not read what sounds like it may be the final entry without trying to say what a gifted and powerful writer you are, and how much I enjoyed/ was hurt vicariously through/ and re-examined old wounds by your blog. This is not the easiest thing I've ever read and it is by far, the best. I can't say when I stopped reading for titillation, and moved to concern for you even while knowing, fundamentally, you would pull yourself out the tailspin before you drove yourself into the ground.

As much as you can miss your favorite character in your favorite novel, I will miss you. When you are published may your book cross my path. I wish you happiness, but never boring-ness.

I am Anon #1 in this comment, not the Schadenfreude.

Numi said...

Go Mandy. For what it's worth, we your humble (and not so humble!) readers will be rooting for you. I've identified a lot with what you've written. It's nice to see things go well once in a while.
I too am glad there's not enough pills. I hope there never will be, I hope you continue to have many more fountains in both dusks and dawns.
You've got your boots on. Go kick some ass!

THe blogger formerly known as Juno said...

As ever, i wish you the very best. I'm sorry to see you go, but you sound so confident and positive that I can only believe that this is a positive thing for you.

I will miss you. Please stay in touch, at the old address.

Best of luck with everything
J x

Penny said...

Thank you, Mandy, for all you've shared. I'll miss you. I hope to hear about all your projects and successes, even if I never know it's you.

Uhave said...

Mandy you will be missed said...


Tom Paine said...

Another one bites the dust! Good luck on the book deal.

Anonymous said...

Love, loving, loved the blog. Can't wait to read the next big thing.

Emma Kelly said...

Good luck always.

Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse

Anonymous said...

You will be missed but know how to contact me. Take care and I wish you the best. Kisses and Hugs!

Denis Connor said...

How beautiful it is that you exit on Friday the 13th. Somehow that just works. Thanks, Mandy, for all the amazing writing over this time. I'll catch you on the book tour.

Anonymous said...

I have grown to appreciate your stories. I have been saddened to see you on a downer, and suggested that you change your life style. I changed my life through exercise. I hope you find a way, and let us know if you are going to continue writing. I hope so.

Gillette said...

Gaaaa...haven't been around much in blogland so here late. Sorry to hear you are leaving, but you sound grand so I'm happy for you.

May your skies be filled with laughter.

And may you have endless wonderful sex!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're going too Mandy but thrilled to hear of your success. Wishing you luck and love in all you do,

Livvy xxx

H said...

Hello Mandy,

that's really too bad, I just came across your blog.

I started mine, about my relationship with my girlfriend, who works as an escort.

I realized the situation was not uncommon and people might go through the same things, so I started looking for other people's reactions about all this, and to write to (maybe) help others to cope with it.

Your blog definitely looks interesting, and I'll finish reading it as soon as I can.

If you want to drop some notes or comments about your experience on mine, you are welcome to do so!

Visit it on

wish you all the best.


Autumn said...

oh my stars, Mandy, I'll miss this so much. I've already missed your writing so much, but I wish you all the best. So much of the best, with every tug of the heartstrings that each of these keystrokes elicits.

I still play your mix. Thank you.


a girl called Autumn

goooooood girl said...

Well well well......

Single Girl in Sin City said...

Very nice blog! I love your fluid reads nicely =)

Anonymous said...


I am writing to you because I am helping a girl I know to set up her own blog. She is a smart but uneducated Thai girl who now works as an escort in Bangkok.

To make her blog rank higher it needs good links from other sites and I am now asking you if you could consider linking to her in exchange for a link back to you?

It would be most appreciated! Also any other tips on blogging would be welcome.

The blog can be found at:

I hope to hear from you soon.

Kindly for Noon,


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

This is a superior article as they all are. I bring into the world been wondering wide this as some measure now. Its gigantic to get this info. You are reasonable and balanced.

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Kelly said...
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Billy said...
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Al Laddin said...

I still miss you.

Al Laddin

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