Sunday, January 6, 2008

Because.


Because yesterday was my birthday, and the best present would have been a book or a ten-dollar itunes card and the second best present would have been a backrub and the third best present would have been him empty-handed before me like a man instead of needing me to console him for not remembering until the last minute and not having any money.

Because the long drive through Boring Southern State would be much less boring if I could lean over and unzip, wrap my mouth around his cock, maneuver awkwardly around the wheel and suck until he comes or we pull over or just until we’re both giggly and happy. Or lie back in my own seat, slide my hand inside my jeans, amuse him and the truckers both.

Because I want to wake up at 7 to his cock sliding into me because he just can’t wait, has to wake me, has to have me without warning or foreplay and then his hands on me, my hands on him, sleeping and waking, sleeping and waking in each others’ arms, admiring the way the sun looks on his skin.

Because fucking one a month mish and cowgirl while fighting hard so he doesn’t come until I do because the vibrator makes him nervous and uncomfortable, isn’t enough. Because of the blush and the change of subject when I talk about spanking, about hair-pulling, about control, about even a hint of dominance. Because if he’s submissive he hasn’t mentioned it or responded to hints in the past 14 years.

Because swearing and promising and vowing never to leave him is demeaning to both of us when it happens daily and on request.

Why don’t you leave? I like my house.

Why don’t you leave? We have cats.

Why don’t you leave? I like the trappings of the life I live. It makes me look more successful to have a husband, a house, a place to go in the off-season. It makes me feel like my wild nature, my travels, my risky job, my personal risk-taking, all have a safe place to return.

Why don’t you leave? I don’t know if I can find a person who satisfies me sexually and emotionally and intellectually and professionally, if there is such a person, so a man who tolerates my slutting around and supports my work and can deal with me being gone six months a year is worth keeping.

Why don’t you leave? I like working with him, on the increasingly rare occasions we work together. When he’s not so insecure that my time is spent reassuring him that he’s doing a good job.

Why don’t you leave? He’d die. I don’t think he could keep food on his own table, I don’t think he could take having been left.

Why don’t you leave? Because the slutting around is, in the end, what makes him so insecure, probably what makes him not fuck me, likely what makes him so needy. I made him, and now I am responsible for what he is.

A Gentle Reader writes:

[compliments] You seem to be in a happy marriage and I can't understand why you are doing what you do now. How do you get away from hubby not having any clue about it?

That’s why.

And how? That’s coming up next.

29 comments:

G said...

Holy fuck. You live and have written my life with Hub. Seriously. I'm just to much of a pussy to put it in words and face it so I am a voyeur over here in my quite world. Hence, not writing much lately. Get it?

Happy Birthday, Cappy. -G Word

G said...

P.S. please don't hate me for being a champion fuck at spelling/grammer today. -G

A Reader said...

That's very sad, you know. But it sounds very honest. We all deserve more happiness than we end up with. But we still try to be happy.

Happy Birthday, Mandy.

Autumn said...

...Oh, I wish you would let me send you this iTunes card. I have one. But I know I really, really can't ask for an address. -flail flail flail- Is there a way I can just charge $10 to you mentally?! (because I can't put money at all to how much your writing is worth, really)

Usually the best way I try to convey my empathy to a friend is by giving them a lapful/hugful of tiny person but from over here, I can only send random love from a goofy reader. <3

Anonymous said...

Hey Autumn, Mandy has an Amazon donations box.

Happy belated birthdays to blogger Mandy and the real woman behind her.

Steve

Sheen V said...

I hope you found some way to have a happy birthday.

Tom Paine said...

Well, this is a new level of openness, one that you were not required to share with us, but which still is going to resonate well with your readers.

We are all the enablers and the enabled in our relationships, we create the atmosphere that either sustains or dooms our success. It's a shame you two can't come to some understanding. I can't say that the honesty we found or the fires we walked through naked would work for everyone, but there comes a point when you both are entitled to say "I need X" and "I can't give you Y."

The fragility of things is breathtaking at times. A strawberry blond barges into our lives and the entire balance changes for the better. We're happier than we've been in ages, have a focus on things beyond our sex life, and are secure in our love for one another. It could (and likely will at some point) change and resolve itself into something new or missing, but until that time, I'm riding the wave, not worrying about the wipe-out.

Sometimes it's better to face things head-on. I wonder if you two have reached that point? I don't know enough to say.

And belated Happy Birthday.

Southern Sage said...

Happy Birthday!!!!!
Circumstance has seemed to have trapped you.
I wish you the best
and a happy birthday.
SS

Anonymous said...

You are one of the most selfish people ever. It's all about you, innit? Why don't you leave so he can finally have some fucking peace & happiness of his own? Why? Cause you're too selfish to do it.

Spotlite on You baby! Yeah

Kalista

mrsteele said...

Happy Birthday, Mandy!

Buy yourself some tunes...

Mandy said...

G - I get it :) I hope we both get it sometime soon...

Thanks, all, for the birthday wishes :)

Autumn - you are a total sweetie and I am hugging you back.

Tom - you and C are definitely an inspiration. I'll be posting more here about what I'm going to actually do to try to make things better.

MrSteele - thank you for the gift, and I will! Lately I'm all about Philip Glass :)

Kalista - since I haven't seen you before, that's a little out of left field. But yes, I am selfish. And yes, it is all about me - it's my blog. If I had Husband as a contributor, there would be much more from his point of view, and I'm sure he'd disagree with me on the way I see things, too. I hope you'll have a chance to give more context to your opinions, and perhaps if you read for awhile, you'll have some context on mine. Best wishes.

Mandy

Anonymous said...

Just to be clear here -- I've been reading you for a long time. I didn't simply pop up with my point of view from one entry. In fact, I've read nearly your entire blog.

When I said "it's all about you", I wasn't referring to your blog. Of course it's your blog & reflects your thoughts, etc. You missed my point.

You've created a world for your husband that is primarily central to what's good for only you. On the lines of "It's my world. Others live in it."

You create it, others are forced to cope with it as best they can. You eat the cake, others have the crumbs. You rack up your 'experiences' at the expense of others.

Good goin' girl.

Kalista

Mandy said...

Kalista - you raise a really interesting philosophical point, and I had fantastic discussions about it today with Power Girl, Beautiful Girl, Ex-Lover, and a few people who know me and Husband but not Mandy, so to speak. I'd rather write a whole post on it than just a comment, since it was so thought-provoking, so I'll beg your patience (or continued outrage :) ) for another day or two.

Anonymous said...

Kalista - What's with the rage and the cunty comments? Sounds personal to me. Disagreeing is cool, just kow when you start talking harsh and useless shit, people stop listening to you. Good luck with that hatin'.

Mrs. One D.B.

Tom Paine said...

I, for one, will stick up for Kalista (if that indeed is her name) and her right to raise hell here. If blogging is a form of performance art (often more performance than art), then one has to expect hecklers. If a writer can't stand disagreement, then he/she should make the blog by invitation-only.

In my own case, I often get better posts growing out of intelligent disagreements than with "yeah, Tom, you rock." That's not to say the fragile writer's ego inside my tiny heart doesn't swell with pride when someone says nice things to me, but....

Anonymous said...

Thank you Tom Paine (which I'm sure is your name as well! LOL)

Mrs. One DB - Mandy didn't appear to be put off by what I said at all. In fact, I'm looking forward to reading the post that my prodding questions & my opinions generate.

Numi said...

What 'prodding questions'? All I've seen is a bunch of insults that happened to come with a question mark at the end. Don't pat yourself on the back too much, Kalista.
The fact that Mandy stays cool even when being trolled does not make you any less of a troll. In the audience she's got, you're the drunk guy going 'booooo you suck ha ha'.

Anonymous said...

Oh Numi - that's so "I know you are but what am I". So cute. And si cute that you took the time to snipe at me! Loved it!
Thanks for writing!

Smiles & hugs!

Kalista

Anonymous said...

What the fuck, I'll defend Kalista too.

Mandy, you are a fantastic writer. And I really enjoy reading about your exploits. But I can only imagine the hell your husband must be living. The word Kalista isn't using, but should, is abuse. Emotional abuse.

Mandy, the question you should ask yourself is not "Why don't you leave?" but rather "How can you stay knowing the pain you are inflicting?" Not the pain that get's you off, but real pain.

I suspect you wanted this variety of reactions from your readership because you already know the answer to your question. You're too smart not to.

You are a fascinating lady, but I'd rather read about you than know you. Sorry.

Not-Kalista

Anonymous said...

interestingly, and having known both mandy and her husband for more than a decade, i have to say that they are on about even par. i would not look at their relationship and call it abusive. i would call it fulfilling mutual needs. mandy does not receive (or take) more than she gives, this i assure you. she is however in a marriage of convenience that started out far better, far MORE. she paints herself more harshly here than anyone who knows her would paint her. just a thought.

and what i was going to write before joining this little tempest in a teacup is that husband was neither secure nor fucking you long before you started slutting around, mandy. as i recall, the particularly slutty (your word) behavior started around year two of complete or mostly complete lack of sex, desire or fulfillment from husband. i would therefore propose that you created each other. hmm. bg

madambutterfly said...

Happy Birthday Mandy! There is much more that I want to share but I will do so off our blogs and in email. In the mean time, I will send positive thoughts and energy to both of you. We share more possibly than we both realize. Take care and good night.. Hugs and thanks for the link..

Gillette said...

Happy Belated Birthday, Mandy. Hope it was a good one.

akakarma said...

Marriage is a co- creation. I think of it as two beings that create a third shared one. SOme people think they can step outside the shared circle and then safely step back in but it always gets contaminated unless there is some agreement already negotiated. I agree with a lot of Tom Paine and Kalista makes an excellent if to the point point! Selfishness is a description not necessarily a judgement. If you are familiar with S and M dynamics, or any polar positions, as one spouse becomes more of something there is a corresponding spouse becoming less than something in reaction. Like sled dogs pulling the same sled, if one goes off the cliff they all follow being shackled to each other! I'm sorry- I'm not being too articulate this am! Hope it makes some sense!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Mandy. Looking forward to your next post...

Anonymous said...

I'd also like to jump in and say I know Husband. For a long time. Mandy paints herself as the blame, and the creation of his current state. Having watched them both, for a long time, this is not necessarily the case. I'm with BG, this is not a one way street.

I don't fully agree with the set up Mandy and Husband have, and I do think Mandy writes her own set of rules to justify the way she treats the set up.

But I fully believe his 'hell' is of his own making. He's a grown man. Making conscious choices, or lack thereof.

Mandy said...

What a great discussion - I'm so interested to see the many views, both challenging and supportive (And for the record, even those who are my best friends and most fervent supporters here are also those writing me some very challenging emails and having some very intense phone calls, for which I am deeply, deeply grateful.)

I'm working on a whole post about this. But the short version is:

I don't spend a lot of time here talking about the good things I do, for Husband or for the world, that would be lame and self-congratulatory and not fun to read.

It takes two. Husband is neither stupid nor helpless. I am pretty selfish, but I'm not a mythical monster binding him with my inescapable spell.

I know a lot of literary characters I'd rather read about than know (the whole book White Oleander had to be rewritten from the daughter's POV because no-one liked the mother enough to keep reading when it was from her POV). To some extent, this blog is a literary construction, and while I'm truthful, it's seldom the whole truth.

Kalista's underlying point (as I took it) is valid. However, she's certainly going out of her way to express it as rudely as possible, and it doesn't feel to me like a prodding question, it feels like vitriol. Fortunately, some of the most interesting writing and discussions come from vitriol. I've spent a long time repeating to myself (about many things), "this is an opportunity disguised as a problem", and it suits me better to look below whatever nerve I hit with her and see if there's an inspiration in there. As it happens, the hugely successful work project I'm on right now came about because of a nasty, dismissive comment from a fellow professional in my field, so I like to see when I can use a missile as a ladder.

Keep weighing in :) I'm glad to have you all here, and it's a lot more interesting when we don't all agree. I don't censor or delete comments, and since I choose to be in the kitchen, it's up to me to take the heat and make cake.

Clix said...

Caveat lector, here; I've been thinking about my response for awhile, and I thought it might come off the wrong way, so I put quotes from the post in so hopefully you could more easily see where I'm coming from. But it makes it a L-O-N-G comment.

"him empty-handed before me like a man instead of needing me to console him for not remembering until the last minute and not having any money."

*laugh* Gotta admit, I'm with you on this. Good GRAVY, the wtfery! He doesn't have a present for you on your birthday, and so... he needs YOU to console HIM?! And, of course, this isn't irregular behavior (sadly). What is it about that Y chromosome? *shakes head*

"Because swearing and promising and vowing never to leave him is demeaning to both of us when it happens daily and on request."

Didn't you do this already? You know, during the wedding ceremony? (I really don't know, of course, but I do wonder.)

"It makes me look more successful to have a husband, a house, a place to go in the off-season. It makes me feel like my wild nature, my travels, my risky job, my personal risk-taking, all have a safe place to return."

This makes you sound selifsh, shallow, and... fickle doesn't quite convey what I mean, but I haven't been able to come up with anything better.

"Why don’t you leave? He’d die. I don’t think he could keep food on his own table, I don’t think he could take having been left."

This makes you sound unbelievably arrogant.

"I made him, and now I am responsible for what he is."

Okay, even not knowing you at ALL, I can confidently respond to this one! No, you didn't, and no, you're not. What you ARE responsible for - and you do seem to have this figured out - is how you're going to respond to him.

The other thing I wonder (based on this: "I don’t know if I can find a person who satisfies me sexually and emotionally and intellectually and professionally, if there is such a person") is WHY you married someone you weren't completely commited to. Why you would get married before you were satisfied that you knew most of this person's good and bad points, and had determined you could live with all of them. For always. (I wonder this about a lot of people, though; please don't take it as a terrible slur.) Why?

Lina said...

Belated happy birthday.
This is a remarkable post. I like this raw, brutal honesty and that's why I keep reading (I never comment and usually read through bloglines - I'm the worst kind of lurker). I've not read all of the comments to this post, but it seems to me none of the critics are thinking to ask, "Why does Husband stay?" Perhaps you come across as selfish in this blog (I think I come off as a right little madam on my blog, so that certainly isn't a criticism!), and who knows, maybe you're a right princess in actual real life. But the fact that cannot be disputed is that Husband has stayed. That fact alone makes it blindingly obvious to anyone who cares to read your blog a little more deeply that there is so much more to this story. There is someting about you that maybe you don't touch upon in this blog that makes him want to keep you as much as you want to stay. I think if you were as selfish and as absusive as some of your commenters think, you wouldn't have it in you to produce such an achingly sad and fragile post. I think you would have buggered off a long time ago and there would be no husband.
Who knows.... I've been blogging for nearly three years now - I know you can't judge a girl by her blog! ;)

Juno Henry said...

Your honesty astounded me. Breathtakingly so. Not that honesty is anything new here, nor is your excellent turn of phrase.

But, (and this is a little known fact about the pre-Henry Juno), the picture you painted resonated with me very sharply. I would tend to agree with those who say that you are perhaps taking a disproportionate amount of blame as far as who made your husband how he is. Much of it has to be -- and these are the laws of nature talking as well as people who know you IRL -- his own genetic and mental make-up.

And personally, having been there, and having read what your IRL friends say, it doesn't surprise me at all that there was coldness and sexlessness a good while prior to all of this (*gestures vaguely at the surrounding blog*).

I don't wish to presume to make intelligent comments on your life when all i know is what you serve up here so deliciously. I try, but i'd never presume. But your pain touched me, so i offer what i can -- a cyber-hug and my online friendship.

Kisses,
Juno xxxxx